Hair cut

This is a bit off topic but fuck it it’s my blog and I can write what I want.  Today my husband had a vasectomy and we don’t have kids already *shock horror*.  To answer the immediate questions yes I am happy about it, no it was not a one sided decision it was made together and no I’m not worried about changing our minds later. 
I have known for quite a while that I don’t want kids.  To answer another point, I don’t hate kids I just don’t have the patience for them.  Yes I know the party line of its different when it’s your own but that’s a risky game to play if it turns out I feel the same way with my own.  I love my sisters kids and other children in my life but I often find myself wanting to rip out my ears when I’m with them for too long.  Or I want to slap the shit out of them or shout at them to just STOP!  I hate child logic where no reason exists, the selfishness of children and more than anything the noise and constant need.  I know it’s not like this all the time and there are other much more lovely parts to having them but the lack of tolerance on my part for the other things means I’m not willing to put myself in what could be potentially the biggest mistake of my life and ultimately the child’s life.  I’m aware that the things that annoy me about children are natural child things, they don’t know better, they have to learn and grow into proper well rounded adults but I’m not interested in being a part of that process thanks.  My husband echoes all of this and I’m sure he has his own reasons as well. 
It’s not always been like this for me.  Yes I have always felt the same about kids but I did want to have them for many years.  It was programmed into me that that was what I wanted and it was normal and that it was what I should do.  Even though doubts were there and my mum spent years telling me I’m not patient enough for kids and I need to grow up first blah blah.  Ironically she was more surprised than anyone when I told her we weren’t having any but she definitely supports us in this decision.  She would have been happy with more grandkids but she is getting older and me living in another country to all my family wouldn’t have been the same for them or us to be honest.  I really wouldn’t want my children to not have the family experience I had growing up, they would be isolated. 
But anyway the decision has been made by two consenting adults who have been together over 10 years and know what they do and don’t want.  Why is that so hard for people to understand? I was even asked by one person if I shouldn’t have some of the husbands spunk frozen just in case we change our minds.  Like I’m going to waste money on that, fuck that!  It’s usually people who have children that are the most judgemental about it, I don’t get what makes them the authority on my decision making but it’s always the same patronising response of oh just wait.  Erm wait for what exactly?  Oh you will, you’ll change your mind.  Oh really? You know my mind better than my own do you? How insulting can you be? You are dismissing my thoughts as immature or stupid just because society encourages you to procreate and it doesn’t compute to you that someone would not follow the same rules as you. 
The other argument is that its selfish to not have children when you can.  How is it not more selfish to bring children into the world that you didn’t want and end up resenting them for it.  Of course I could give a child up for adoption to someone who can’t have children but that’s a massive strain on my body and life that I don’t want, it’s not selfish to want control over my own body.  This is the other thing is that I’m not a monster.  If I was unfortunate enough to get pregnant and I ended up keeping it (I don’t know how I would get to that point I’m sure I would abort) but let’s play pretend and say that I had the baby.  I would absolutely keep it and love it with all my heart, I would be a brilliant mother but I just don’t want to, simple as that.  I know a woman who has a child she didn’t want, she looks after the child and gives her clothes and food etc but she doesn’t love her, she’s said so on many occasions, no maternal bond as she says and regrets having it.  The child is now 8 or something and clearly knows how her mother feels about her.  This makes me sad and angry in equal measure.  How is it more selfish for us to actively not have children than it is for this woman to bring a child into the world that she didn’t and still doesn’t want? It’s crazy. 
Basically you may not understand our decision or even agree with it but at the end of the day it is our life and we don’t want children in it so you can just suck a giant fuck ūüėÄ

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Resigned 

I’ve had an epiphany and the epiphany is fuck it.  I don’t mean fuck it and eat all the shit in the world, I mean fuck it with this getting weighed every day and being pissed off with the results.  I started writing down again what my weight was every day and its exactly the same pattern as the last time I did that in February.  My weight is not going down no matter what I do.  I’ve been eating healthy, I’ve even been eating more, I haven’t had loads of sweet shit and crap I’ve been satisfied with what I’m eating but nothing makes a difference, I’m stuck at the same weight so I can’t keep weighing myself and getting upset about it.  I need to try and keep off the scales for a while and just live my life.   I’m eating right and walking all over the place so if I lose I will and if not then it’s not meant to be.  I will look better after the operation and that will drop me some weight so maybe I will be able to do more then but for now I need to be consistent with the eating and not give up on that.  It used to be that the scales gave me motivation to carry on with the diet and if it wasn’t working I would cry and say fuck it why am I denying myself good food to not lose weight anyway and just go back to square one but the thing is I’m not denying myself now, I don’t crave the bad stuff and I think I can handle the odd treat when I want it and not fall back.  I think my confidence is growing in what to eat and not so I think it’s time to untie myself from the thing that’s bringing me down the most and that’s the scales.  At the minute I get weighed every day and it makes me sad every time and it’s always first thing in the morning so I don’t want to start my day this way anymore.  If I can keep it to once a week or 2 weeks or even a month that would be good.  We will see how it goes.  

It’s been a while¬†

Couple of months since I last wrote and I’m not really sure why not.  Maybe I just didn’t need to or something.  I have had a busy couple of months moving house and other changes going on in my life that the diet and weight loss has taken a bit of a back seat but now it’s back to being front of my mind and I’m struggling to get it back.  I’m slipping back into my old ways, I can feel it and it scares the shit out of me.  The greed, the unnecessary eating of crap and saying fuck it it’s only today attitude that got me so big in the first place.  I know I’ve put weight on and I’m scared to get weighed.  The last few days have been better, I’m starting to turn it around a bit but I need to stay determined and get the will power going again that made me lose all this weight in the first place. 
The problem I have is I’m still lost with this.  I keep starting and having a good week or two and see no change in the scale and then fall back into fuck it mode again.  Its a tale as old as time.  I don’t know what I need to do other than what I do when I’m trying.  Coffee and starvation keeps coming back as well.  The husband is trying to cook healthier meals for us too so maybe that will work.  Along side this I’m walking a lot more because we sold our car so I have all the components there to make this work I just need to see results to make me stick with it, it’s a snowball effect with me, it always has been.  At least this time I’m more determined to not let me go back to the size I was before, I’m recognising the signs early enough to do something about it I hope.  I have to not fuck this up or the operation is off next year then all of this will have been for nothing.  I am not prepared to let that happen, I don’t know if I could come back from that big of a failure. 
On a side note what the fuck is with this salad judgement out there in the world.  I don’t like salad, I never have, and by salad I mean lettuce, tomatoes, dressing, all that stuff.  I just don’t like the taste of these things.  But this does not mean that I don’t like other healthy foods, I absolutely love vegetables and they make up half of my diet, I’m also trying to get more fruits into my diet, there’s so much more to healthy food than fucking salad.  So if I don’t put it on my plate that doesn’t mean I’m never going to be healthy or lose weight.  Stop judging me and others for it you don’t know me or my diet.  You are not experts in this, It’s just fucking annoying you bunch of judgy pricks.  It’s always the same, you won’t lose weight if you don’t eat salad or aren’t you having salad with that?  Or no one likes salad you just HAVE to eat it to be healthy.  Oh please do just fuck off.  I’m not saying I’m an expert either, but one thing is for sure I’m not going to start spending my money on something that I cannot even eat or want and force myself to eat it just because you tell me its the only way.  Fuck you and your judging, I will do it my way and I will do it without making my life more miserable because that’s one sure fire way to fail in the long run.
So there. 

Impatient Pants 

I know I’m not the most patient person in the world but its one of those things that doesnt help you to know, I’m not going to suddenly become patient because I know  not! The scales are dictating again, big time.  Its been a week since I started again and including exercise.  I’ve climbed the 11 flights every day and I started doing a 10 minute low cardio workout before work every day since about Wednesday I think.  I really couldn’t be bothered to do that yesterday but I forced myself and I’m laid in bed feeling the same way this morning.  But my brain is telling me if I weigh less than yesterday than its working and I should power through.  The scale has been the same for the last 2 or 3 days and that irritates the shit out of me, Im knackered! I want to be able to see results that I can measure like the number on the scale goes down every day.  I know it’s stupid for it to go down a pound a day but my mind is stuck on that and it’s bugging the shit out of me.  A week ago it was showing 5 pounds more so its entirely possible that I’ve actually lost this week but that doesn’t matter in my head it’s all about what the number was yesterday compared to today and I’m so desperate for it to go down its killing me.  The problem I’ve had is that I’ve been stuck on a number for months and it’s close to moving into the stone down which it has done once or twice in the last few months but that’s when I’ve not eaten for days to get it there then as soon as I’ve eaten again it’s sprung back to the original number.  Its fluctuated so much around the demon number depending on how naughty or nice I’ve been that even though it’s 2 under that number now I just don’t feel like I can trust it.  But at the same time I want to know that the exercise is working. My head is a mess with this.  I think it’s because when I lost the big amount of the weight it was going down almost every day and staying down, it never went back up so now I’m struggling with it its amplified even more.  

I made the mistake of talking to my friends about the new stairs thing this week.  I was so proud of myself that id been doing it and getting so far before having to rest and they were all like how they could do the full 11 flights in one go and that they could get to where I had got without feeling it, then one made a joke about do I walk down them as well and I just felt shitty and embarrassed. I realise that I’m not fit but now I don’t feel like I should be proud of myself for doing something that normal people do all the time and can do with ease.  If I hadn’t ruined my body I would be able to do it too.  They don’t get praise for doing it so why should I.  Not that I want praise particularly, I was a bit excited that I was doing it and getting better at it and lost myself for a second. I won’t do it again with them, I’ll just stick to writing it here for myself and all the people who want me to follow their blogs and take their diet pills to read/not read/like.  I started the week at getting to floors 5/8/10/11 and yesterday I did 6/11 so I think that part is working i just need the weight to fall off as well.   Don’t ask about the food!
Edit… The scale shows 1 more than it has been for the last two days. I don’t understand its just not fair, I’m doing everything I can and no one can tell me that it’s because I’m not eating enough or that I’m not exercising enough because I am! The workout can fuck off today I’m tired and it’s not even working so what’s the point.  I’ll keep doing the stairs because I like doing that it’s a measurable challenge that I can see even if it’s not working.  I could just cry 

Food is the enemy 

I’m doing it again, I’m obsessing and this isn’t going to end well I can feel it.   I’m doing good on the stairs, I’ve climbed all 11 flights every day this week so far and this morning I went down them as well which hurts the legs like a mother fucker but that’s a good sign.  Then today I started this 10 minute low impact cardio routine that my husband found me on YouTube.  Its for beginners and is good for big people and the woman doing it is not at all irritating which is good.   She doesn’t rush through it’s just steady and easy for me to do without exhausting me or making me hate exercise.  I was a bit pooped afterwards which means it’s good and I ache a bit now so I’m positive that it’s a good thing.  But then comes the food thing.  I KNOW I’m supposed to eat more and I know it’s supposed to be the way forward but I just can’t understand how putting calories back in that I’ve just burnt off is going to make me lose weight! I decided to have breakfast which was a yoghurt type thing, just plain vanilla at 50 calories and 17g of protein and only 3g of sugar so I know the numbers are good but it is about what I’ve burnt off this morning so it just cancels everything off doesn’t it? Wouldn’t it have been better to not eat until lunch when I have some chicken breast? I don’t understand this shit and how it’s going to work for my body and I want to scream! Or cry, most likely cry.  I have lost weight according to the demon scales this week, I’m down like 5 pounds since Sunday but I don’t trust it again.  It lies. 
Meh meh meh meh meh meh meh meh!!!! 

Stairs stairs stairs 

I still haven’t figured out what to do with myself but I’m a bit closer today I think. 
I was doing well but had a blip after the sweets last week that extended into the weekend that was a complete shit storm on the food front.  The scales are killing me, they really do dictate my mood more than anything else.  They started to go the wrong way despite me doing nothing differently so it makes me give up and eat something shit which has a knock on effect of me feeling useless and just going full retard on the eating front.  I swing too drastically between the extremes of eating nothing or everything and this weekend was a eat everything bad for me time.  But I’d resigned myself to starting exercise by walking today at work so I’d justified it in my mind.  Then today rolls on and I’d intended to start the day by walking down the 11 flights of stairs I live at the top of but then I fucked up and locked myself out of my house and had to piss about getting a key to get in and get my keys and leave again that I just gave up and used the lift.  Then at work I really wanted to go for the fabled walk but it’s still icy and then my friend wouldn’t go with me and a multitude of other excuses to stop me.  I know it’s excuses.  It’s not that I can’t be bothered √≠ know that much its just fear.  Fear I’d look stupid wandering around outside, but mostly fear that it won’t help because it’s not proper exercise enough unless it’s regimented and a good pace.  Fuck my brain. 
The eating front is starting off bad again today but on the other end of the scale of not eating at all in the day. I also know that if I could get away with it I wouldn’t eat at home as well but my husband is on to me on that.  At least I’m not feeling the making myself vom thing again so there’s that at least.  I’m in limbo, that’s what it feels like, it seems like the best option is to not eat through the day and shovel the coffee in until I can figure out what to do with myself.  I much prefer how I feel when I’m not eating much to when I eat more than one meal a day.  But I also feel like as soon as I have a day of binging a bit that I pile on the pounds overnight, it seems impossible but it shows on the scales and then I spiral again.  Today it showed me back at the start again from where I was when I had my surgeon visit and it makes me want to smash the scales in but instead I went for the not eat all day route instead.  Its a cycle and it doesn’t stop and I am still stuck on the same fucking number.  I wouldnt be surprised if I’m down 3 pounds overnight from not eating much today but it’s not real, I can’t trust it.  I need something, a direction to go in, a plan, anything to cling to, to obsess over, to help me get the number going down and I think I have it today.  Stairs, thats the badger! 
I spoke with my other close friend today at work.  I just wondered if he had any advice of what I could do to exercise effectively.  Told him my idea of going to the gym but that it was too scary a place and the whole walking thing.  He didn’t think the gym was the answer, its scary for me and the money for just a treadmill doesn’t seem worth it.  He agreed about going for a walk would be good but you know my feelings on that.  It’s not disciplined enough for me to get on board with it.  He even suggested applying for the TV show the biggest loser which I found funny.  I hate having my photo taken by other people because I always look ugly, I don’t mind if I can delete it or dictate what goes online but I hate it when I’m caught unawares, I just look fucking disgusting so I could never go on TV it would be my worst nightmare.  But then he came up with the perfect answer and I’d already kind of had it myself. The stairs.  I live at the top of an 11 storey building, I can just go up the stairs when I get home, start slowly and work my way up.  See how far up I can get without stopping and then get faster.  Its not a regimented 30 to 60 minutes but its a start and I know it’s good exercise and will make me tired rather than me slobbing around outside not really working off anything.  So when I got home that’s what I did, I walked the whole fucking thing.  I had to stop on the 5th, 8th and 10th floors but I did it and it’s a challenge for myself to beat.  I’m thrilled.  Also if I get good I can go back down and come up again ūüėÄ
Once I see results with this maybe it’ll spur me on to figure out how to eat or at least how much to eat.  But for now I’m happy that I’ve found some form of exercise that suits me and I think it’s a good un! 

Shame Shame Know Your Name 

I didn’t do this blog for likes or comments or anything other than a outlet for my frustrations and fears etc.  I know how the world works, the Internet and business.  The world runs on money and everyone wants a piece of the pie so to speak but what makes me sad and quite frankly pissed off is when you’re trying to make that money off of someone else’s sadness or personal feelings and insecurities.  Have some fucking integrity, it is possible to make money and not be an utter cock monster at the same time. 
We all know the diet industry is riddled with fads and bullshit, half of it doesn’t work and is designed to make you spend your money rather than actually lose your weight in a healthy and long term way.  Often these things are billed as being an easy way out when you know deep down that it’s fucking hard to lose weight and there’s nothing easy about it but when you’ve been trying for years and failing over and over again you just want to believe that it’s the only way and you’ve tried everything else so you have to give it a go.  Desperation is the key word here.  I’m desperate to get to where I want to be, I’ve been desperately trying for it for most of my life, I’ve had success in the last year without anyone’s help and I’m desperate to keep it going and finding it incredibly difficult.  I said in my last post about how lost I am, how I don’t know which way to go and who to ask to help or who to believe has the right information for my personal situation.  The difference is that I might be desperate but I’m not stupid and I’m not going to fall for another bullshit fad scheme because I now know better.  I’ve been there and done it, I haven’t spent a fortune thank fuck but I have emotionally invested in some of these and the disappointment is as painful as the desperation.  You people don’t realise the damage you do, you don’t care, you want the money and you don’t care who you hurt in the process.  You think if people are stupid enough to fall for it then they deserve to lose their money.  Its a sad fact of life that you people exist and you aren’t going anywhere any time soon.
If you people had actually read my blog posts, if you’d thought about what I’m saying about myself and the many other women who share my feelings of self hatred and desperation to look different and feel better about themselves, then you wouldn’t do what you’re doing.  I’d like to think so anyway.  The reality is you’re not real, I’m almost certain of that, you must be an algorithm in the WordPress system that detects the hash tags I’m using about diets and fat which then puts an automatic like on my posts.  I’m sure the intention is for me to then go to your blogs and start liking and reading your content about diet pills that REALLY work and the best belly fat busting tips in the world that REALLY work and how you *insert generic name here* shed all your weight using this amazing regime that REALLY works.  You are part of the problem, you always will be, you should be ashamed of yourselves whoever or whatever you are.  You are a large part of the noise and chaos that surrounds the diet industry that makes it so incredibly difficult to know what to do for the best.  You’re deafening and are doing more harm than good by diluting the truth.  Ive never denied that I put myself here, I did this to my body, I wish I hadn’t, I’ve spent most of my life fighting against it and I’m only just getting there with it but I’m still fighting.  That doesn’t mean I deserve what you do to me and others like me, or the ones who fall for it over and over again.  Desperation is not something that should be exploited but you are anyway.  You won’t read this but I bet you throw it a few more likes.  I won’t be upset about that but I won’t be visiting your blogs or buying your shit either.  Thanks.